When someone suffers from years of chronic health issues, they go to a lot of places looking for help. This is true in my case as I have managed life with a few different chronic health issues – one for over 15 years and another for 10 years – along with all of the peripheral health issues that we all experience in a lifetime.
In managing these conditions, I have gone through all of the phases of the grief cycle, multiple times. I have tried to be a superwoman and refused to rest while in denial, or traveled to far off doctors like the Mayo Clinic when I’m in the bargaining stage, convinced that it’s possible to find an answer. I’ve been prayed over and anointed with oil multiple times and sought counseling in case my body was responding to some unknown stress or sin. There have been periods of relief, but nothing that has ‘stuck’, still leaving me to wonder when I wake up each morning if the day will be a ‘good’ pain day. Flexibility because of Mom’s health is sadly one of the early life lessons my kids have had to learn.
But in all these years, God’s faithfulness and provision to me have not wavered. Repeatedly He has provided a word of encouragement at just the right moment. He gave me a husband who has unending compassion and patience with my limitations. As He has beckoned me deeper in His word, He has shown me more and more of His goodness and pleasure in carrying me down this path. He is well aware of every detail of my suffering. He even allows it.
While I don’t know all the reasons for my struggles, a few have become more apparent as I mature. All of these years of pain have me running to Him more than I would have otherwise. My pride would rule me even more if it weren’t for the humility brought by pain. I see my need for Jesus even more – I literally need him for my manna provision every single day. And what He gives me for that day can’t be carried over – so my need for Him grows exponentially as the years pass.
I have reached the point that I am grateful for the suffering – because I can see how it has driven me to Jesus and emptied so much of myself. Now, if I could find a miracle drug or therapy to make it all go away, I would. I still continue to seek new medical treatments. But I see how God is using even this for His good plans to make Himself known in a more intimate way to me.
My help – in the big picture and in the daily chronic pain – comes from Him alone. When I keep my eyes down here, I find myself overwhelmed. But lifting my eyes to Him and keeping my gaze focused on who He is – that is where my help is found. He does provide each and every day exactly what I need.
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